Supporting a Friend with Cancer

Supporting a friend with cancer can be challenging, but your care and support can make a big difference for them. One of the challenges that the person with cancer may be facing is how to ask for help. How do you ask for help when you don't know what you need?

Your role as a supportive friend can take some of the burden off of them and off of their caregiver. So what can you do to be there for your friend?

Be There for Them

There are two ways that you can show up for your friend that are not active roles. One is to be a listener. Sometimes, they may just need someone to listen to their fears, frustrations, or hopes. Not every conversation has to have a solution. Cancer is scary and overwhelming. And, a person with cancer often feels like they have no voice in all of the processes and procedures. Their days may be filled with other people telling them where to be and what to do. Just being heard may be exactly what they need. This is the second way to show up, which is just being present. Whether it's through visits, calls, or messages, your presence can be comforting.

Offer Practical Help

Life doesn't stop when you have cancer. The day to day stuff still has to happen. You can offer to help with cooking, grocery shopping or other errands. Sometimes the little things feel like big things for the caregiver who is divided between care and caring for their loved one. Taking a few things off of their plate can allow them time to just be with their loved one or time to have time for themself. Other ways to give practical help include offering to drive them to and from medical appointments and assisting with chores like cleaning, laundry or yard work.

Provide Emotional Support

Cancer can be a lonely experience. Everyone else is still moving forward in their lives while the world may have come to a halt for the patient. Little check ins and supportive messages make a difference. You can let them you are thinking of them via text, or a note or a phone message. Don't take it personally if they don't reply. There are good days and there are bad days for someone with cancer. They may even have a difficult time differentiating between those days, so if they don't respond, don't take it personally. 

Don't Shower Them with Positivity

As much as you want to be their cheerleader and fill them up with positivity, it is not always easy to be positive and to receive positive messages when you are struggling. Statements like "Stay positive" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "You are such an inspiration" might not be helpful and can sometimes feel dismissive. Go back to the being there for them and allowing them to feel what they need to feel without judgement. You can still be positive for them and believe in them. 

Be Flexible and Understanding

Perhaps you have made plans to go over and hang out or to take your friend on an outing and then they back out. Don't take it personally. Try to adapt to their needs. Understand that their energy levels and needs may change frequently. They may need to cancel plans at the last minute due to fatigue or feeling unwell or even just because they don't want to be around anyone at that time. Don't give up on them. Cancer is a living day to day thing. It can be very unpredictable.

Educate Yourself

Learning a little bit about your friend's diagnosis and treatment plan can be helpful. Understanding their type of cancer and treatment can help you provide better support. They may not want to share all the details, so let them lead the conversation about their illness. Just remember that they have a medical team, you are there to support them through the process, not give medical advice.

Support Their Family

Often lost in the whole cancer process is the family. Their loved ones may also be under a lot of stress, so extending your support to them can be helpful. Kids need support that can come from time with friends, being taken to activities or even just getting them out of the house so they can be themself for a little while. The same goes for the caregiver. Caring for someone with cancer can be a full time job depending on their needs. The caregiver is often overlooked in the process. Like the patient, they may not know what they need or how to ask for help. Consider extending the same support and understanding to them as well.

Encourage Professional Support

Encourage them to seek support from professionals or join support groups if they are open to it. This isn't for everyone but just the suggestion of it may allow them time to reflect and talk with their loved ones about it.

Take Care of Yourself Too

Supporting someone with cancer can be emotionally taxing. Make sure you're also taking care of your own well-being. It is wonderful to be a good friend but it can be difficult to watch your friend struggle or be frustrated and full of emotion. It is important to your friendship that you can show up with love, compassion and energy. Perhaps you can enlist others to help as well. Dividing up tasks, taking turns supporting the family or driving to appointments can be a great way to be involved without having to carry everything yourself.

Every person's walk with cancer is unique, so be adaptable and responsive to your friend's specific needs and wishes. Your presence and support can make a significant difference during this challenging time.

There is a lot to manage when you are living with cancer. Learning tools and strategies to support yourself is a key part of the healing process. When you support and believe in yourself you will feel empowered to take back some of the control you may feel you have lost in your life. 

Kathryn White is a Certified Holistic Cancer Coach who supports women to turn their cancer diagnosis into a thriving story one woman at a time.