Episode 4.11 Stop Giving Your Love Away
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[00:00:00] Kathryn: Welcome to the Living to Thrive with Cancer podcast. A podcast about the big and little issues that come with living with cancer. I'm Catherine White, a stage 4 colon cancer thriver, passionate about supporting others who have faced a cancer diagnosis, and are looking to feel empowered in taking back control of their health and happiness.
[00:00:19] My own walk with cancer helped me to learn more about myself. and how to live with cancer. And it led me to become a holistic cancer coach so I can support others to move from survivor to thriving. So let's get started.
[00:00:34] Welcome to episode 4. 11 of the Living to Thrive with Cancer podcast. In this episode, we're going to be discussing the significance of self love. which can be a very challenging piece for people who are going through cancer. And particularly in February where things are really framed around the holiday of the celebration of Valentine's Day and all of the external factors around that.
[00:01:00] It can be very overwhelming. So we want to really be focusing on self love as a crucial part of your care practice and focusing on things like building in affirmations, setting boundaries. and self care practices. We're going to talk about fostering self love and building a habit of self love to create a positive shift in your life.
[00:01:22] And if you're a new listener, I want to welcome you to the podcast. I'm Catherine White, a cancer thriver using my experience and my stories with stage four colon cancer to guide you through your walk with cancer. As a holistic cancer coach, I want to help to support you through creating a health building lifestyle.
[00:01:40] Managing your stress and helping you to navigate the day in and day out stuff that comes up when you have cancer. If you find what you've learned here today to be helpful, please share it with other people that you know could benefit from this episode. Sharing helps me to support more people living with cancer and help them to move from survivor to thriver.
[00:01:58] And go ahead and subscribe to the podcast wherever you're listening, give it a follow on YouTube. And I would love for you to head to the show notes and get your name on my weekly email list so that you can follow my path to thriving with cancer and how I'm using what I've learned to support you in your walk with cancer and towards your goals of becoming a cancer thriver too.
[00:02:18] And when you sign up, I will send you a free little download gift from me to you. All right, here we go. It is February, and everyone knows that February is the month of love and Valentine's Day. And we talk about it so much. Every store that you go into is full of products and chocolates and cards and the surrounding this concept of having to buy somebody something to demonstrate love for them on an external visible level.
[00:02:49] But what I want. to share is that all of the things that are tangibly and tactilely present in life are not your self care. Those are ways to show self care to other people, but where your love comes from is actually from with inside of you. And that's not always easy when you have cancer. And I understand that because when you're moving through the cancer process, self love can feel like a really big concept.
[00:03:20] And I'm not concerned. I'm not sure that it's actually talked about enough. There's just so much going on, as you know, and so weaving this idea of I love myself into yourself at a time when everything about what is happening in you is maybe keeping you disconnected from this idea of love or in a place perhaps, of resentment in yourself for what's happening.
[00:03:42] You know, maybe there's a disconnect between you and the people that you love because. Everybody's overwhelmed, and a lot of people don't really understand what's going on or what you're going through. So, maybe you find this idea of loving yourself or your body a little bit challenging. Because there's a lot going on around cancer that you didn't ask for and that you're trying to figure out and so how do you love yourself on the inside when there's so many other pieces that are just overwhelming and frustrating and really
[00:04:20] So I want to be honest with you, we can't just necessarily manifest love at least I don't think we can manifest love. I think we can create love and we can build love within ourselves. It's something that we have to work at and that can start with a very simple tool like mantras or positive affirmations.
[00:04:38] And I'm actually going to share some mantras with you in the show notes so you can grab those when you're done listening to the episode because I really feel it's that building self love is a practice and it requires commitment to yourself, it requires releasing anger, releasing frustration, and creating this space inside of yourself where you could tell yourself that you are enough.
[00:05:00] And so some mantras that you can use are things like I deserve love and happiness. I'm worthy of all the good things in my life. I forgive myself and embrace my imperfections. That's a really deep statement. When you're talking about loving yourself, We are talking about being imperfect because this is an imperfect process.
[00:05:25] So forgiving yourself if you're harboring any guilt or shame around cancer and then embracing the imperfections of the process and what's really happening is so important. So I encourage you, just coming back to the mantras, to go and grab them and use them as a part of your daily practice. If you repeat positive affirmations to yourself, maybe pick one that really resonates with you and just repeat it on a daily basis as you hear it over and over and over as you're singing.
[00:05:55] saying it to yourself, inside of yourself, outside of yourself, it's going to sink in. It's going to start to feel good in your body and in your mind and in your spirit, and it's going to create this energy within you of wanting to build more self love, whether you realize it or not. This energy to love yourself, to create love within yourself, it's a tool that's available to you.
[00:06:20] So. I share mantras in my monthly membership and also in my book because I believe in them so much. I use them in my own daily life all of the time to help support me when I'm going through something or just to help foster that self love and self belief that is so powerful in your healing process. So let's come back to this idea of self love.
[00:06:44] There are so many things that you can do to care for yourself and self love and self care. are actually really connected because when you love yourself, you will start to care for yourself. And when you start to care for yourself, It's going to come from a place of love. So they really come together and if you bring into that also the concept of self belief you have like this perfect trifecta of self love self care and self belief that is going to complete this whole picture for you and allow you to do this inner and outer work.
[00:07:18] It's like this layered approach of of believing in yourself. So that you'll care for yourself and caring for yourself because you love yourself and loving yourself enough to believe in yourself and care for yourself. And again, it doesn't have to be complicated. It can just be a simple action. So if we take all of that outside noise away that I was talking about.
[00:07:43] all of the cards and stores and all of those things and actually bring it back to your heart center, back to who you are, to your spirit. This idea of self love can start to build inside you. It's not the external noise that creates self love. It's the internal quiet that can create self love. And so, to help you with this, I want to share some concepts around self love that may help you to nurture this idea, to get more curious about it, and to start perhaps visiting those mantras and bringing them into your life.
[00:08:21] This is what is going to help you to move through the idea of self love. So, you can think about self love as being a practice of valuing and caring for yourself. And again, I know that this can be really big work, especially if you've struggled with self love in the past, which is a whole other podcast episode.
[00:08:44] And if you struggle with the idea of putting yourself first, which is also a whole other podcast episode, but it's really important, it's really important that you can love yourself enough. to put yourself first. I had a client once tell me that she didn't put herself first. She didn't even put her name on the list.
[00:09:05] She was putting everybody else ahead of herself, which is not loving yourself. You need to be at the top of your list. And this doesn't make you selfish. This is self love. This is how you take care of yourself. Self love is also rooted in self acceptance. I know we're hitting on some big things here today, but self acceptance for who you are, including your flaws.
[00:09:38] We are not perfect people. We're just humans trying to do our best, right? That's all that we can do, is do our best. And so this idea of self acceptance comes from your flaws, your imperfections, your gifts, your talents, loving yourself for who you are and what you have to offer. And then there's the concept of caring for yourself.
[00:10:05] And as I said, self care is rooted in self love. And a really important part of creating self love within yourself is creating boundaries. And some of you may be feeling like, Oh, this is a big topic. This is also a whole other podcast episode. Because boundaries are so important. Boundaries are huge when we think about self love.
[00:10:28] This really involves you being able to say, I need to set some parameters around who I'm letting in, how I'm letting them in, where I'm giving my energy, how I'm conserving my energy, my emotions, all of these things are related to boundaries and are really about taking care of yourself. And I like to use the analogy of the Harry Potter invisibility cloak, that you can wrap this cloak around yourself when you are creating boundaries.
[00:10:58] It's this protective energy and it's allowing you to care for your heart center. And when you're caring for your heart center and for yourself, and you can go, as I said, inside, you can start creating self love. In your heart center and in yourself. And this is also about self compassion. Being kind to yourself.
[00:11:24] Speaking to yourself in a loving and caring way. This is important. It's really important that you treat yourself like you would your best friend or your partner or your child or your dog or your cat or whomever it is that fills you up and brings you loving kindness and joy and makes you feel good.
[00:11:45] You need to speak to yourself and treat yourself the same way that you would them. And then when you start doing that, you can start to feel that energy growing inside of you. This energy of, I can love myself. Because you can. Now it's work. It can be work. There may be a lot of things that you have to work through.
[00:12:07] Some things that you need to get out of the way. But one statement at a time, one action at a time is going to help you. And this is the personal growth. The really investing in yourself. Because when you care for yourself, all of those pieces come together and it makes this holistic path of healing clearer.
[00:12:30] Because you're putting yourself first. This is really looking into your overall wellness and well being. Like really looking at yourself in the mirror and saying that you deserve this. You deserve to love yourself. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to be happy. And self love is going to be at the foundation of that.
[00:12:54] To do all of this, you need to trust in yourself. You need to trust and believe that you are important and that you are important enough that you can take care of yourself and love yourself. I know it might feel like I'm saying it over and over, but it's true. You need to love yourself enough to care for yourself and care for yourself because you love yourself.
[00:13:18] And that comes down to trusting that you know what is best for you. You know what feels good for you and you know what you need. And then giving yourself permission to not just know that. But to act on it. So let's talk about some of the benefits of practicing self love, including mental health. Cancer messes with your mind.
[00:13:41] Cancer can really create trauma responses within you. It can really hold you back from doing things you want to do. It creates fear. It creates anxiety. It creates stress. But I want to offer that there's a space inside of you that it can also help you to create love. When you learn how to speak kindly to yourself, when you take care of yourself, you're encouraging more self compassion.
[00:14:08] You're kinder to yourself. You're gentler to yourself. You do more for yourself. It builds momentum inside of you. So that you can take these actions and love yourself. Now you might find yourself being reduced to some self criticism here because our inner critic loves to show up when we're trying to do good things for ourselves.
[00:14:32] And you may want to should on yourself, put that weight on your shoulders of I should be doing this and I should be doing that. But you shouldn't be, you don't have to should on yourself. You can just choose. to take care of yourself and you can create the desire to take care of yourself. So just some examples for you, like maybe you desire to change how you eat and you've talked about it and you're sitting in this place of I want to change how to eat, but you're also maybe sitting in inaction because it feels big and it feels overwhelming.
[00:15:08] Brackets, this is where the self care part comes in. But when you shift that energy, into desire to change. So saying I desire to change how I eat, you're putting the energy into action and it's going to create that momentum that I've already talked about. And all of this is going to support your mental health because when you live in a place of action and self compassion and speaking kindly to yourself, you're moving yourself forward and you're going to reduce your stress and anxiety because you're going to feel more in control.
[00:15:44] You're going to feel like there are things that you can do, that you have control over doing. When all the other stuff might feel out of control, you can control how you think, and how you feel, and how you care for yourself. And because now you're caring for yourself You're putting yourself first, and really allowing that energy, but, but not just the energy.
[00:16:09] It's like, it's the, it's the hormones that are inside of you. You build the emotional energy, but physiologically, when you do good things for yourself, and you take care of yourself, and you love yourself, oxytocin and dopamine are going to be activated in your body, and are going to be elevated. And when you do something that feels good, You get that dopamine hit in your brain.
[00:16:32] It's activated in your brain and it wants you to do that action again. So this is where we start to build habits. So coming back to that mantra, even if you're practicing that mantra once a day, twice a day, three times a day, every day, every week, you're building the habit of creating a self love affirmation inside of yourself and it's going to bring in that dopamine hit.
[00:16:58] It's going to feel good. When you say good things to yourself, and you're going to want to feel good, whether you know it or not, you're going to want to feel good because that's what dopamine does. You're going to want to feel like that again. You're going to want to choose to feel good. You're going to want to choose to, to do the things that make you feel loved inside of yourself.
[00:17:22] And your brain is going to start to respond to that. And it's going to have you seeking out these behaviors to help yourself move forward in self love and self care and self belief. There is enhanced emotional well being. As a product, a by product of self love. And that is going to help you to continue to be kinder to yourself.
[00:17:46] To really be able in those hard times, in those difficult moments, to be kind to yourself, because you've created this energy within you. And it's going to help you to foster stronger relationships, because when you have boundaries and enhanced emotional well being, you're not giving. of yourself all of the time.
[00:18:07] And it is talked about in the world of cancer that people who get cancer tend to be people pleasers. They tend to be givers instead of receivers. But right now is when you need to be receiving. You need to be creating the boundaries that prevent you from giving and giving and giving and depleting your energy and instead receiving and increasing your energy.
[00:18:30] And this is going to help with your self esteem and your confidence. It's going to help you to feel good about yourself, which goes back to that dopamine hit in the brain, which makes you want to do more to feel good about yourself. It helps to support your physical body. when you love yourself because then you decide, no, I'm actually not going to sit on the couch.
[00:18:52] I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to go do some yoga. I'm going to start juicing every morning. I'm going to start journaling. I'm going to do things that feel good for me and that encourage me to do more things that are good for me so that in turn I am building a better physical health practice for myself.
[00:19:10] You can see. This all works together. It's not operating in isolation. So when you do regular exercise and you have balanced eating habits and you get a good night's sleep, all of these things are improving your physical health. And you can do this because of the love and the care that you're putting into yourself that you've put into motion.
[00:19:31] And you can even create increased and enhanced productivity and creativity when you live in a place of self love. Maybe you can see where this is going. That as you start to build these habits, you can add and build more. And it doesn't have to be a big start. I'm not asking you to go out and start doing all the things right away.
[00:19:51] I'm offering that one small action at a time. One small belief, one mantra, one saying no when you don't want to do something and yes when you do is going to create that momentum and put it into place so that your life will feel better. And then you're going to get this recurring thought of, I deserve to be cared for.
[00:20:16] I deserve to love myself. I don't have to just be good to other people. I can be good to myself too because I am important. You are so worthy of loving and caring for yourself. You get to make decisions that I am worth it and I am going to do this. Remember the boundaries and taking care of your body and your mind and accepting the imperfections because you don't have to do it perfectly.
[00:20:46] Some days you're going to forget to journal. Some days you might not go for a walk. Some days you might eat the food that you don't think you should be eating but you do. It's not a perfect process. But when you understand that it's not about being perfect, it's about doing the best that you can, then it comes back to that love.
[00:21:06] I love myself for doing the best that I can. with what I have right now. That's a perfect mantra to try on. There is self love when you make what you perceive to be a mistake. So let's talk about mistakes for a moment. Mistakes are mistakes. I had a client who was very concerned about the amount of donuts that she was eating.
[00:21:28] She just could not stop eating donuts. So we actually talked about this and I chuckled only because it seemed to her like such a silly conversation, but it really was a big thing. She was Not intentionally sabotaging her health, but she also knew that she was somewhat sabotaging her health and her mental health with her actions.
[00:21:51] And then she felt shame and guilt around what she was doing, around eating these donuts. And so we talked through this whole idea that sometimes We do things and we can recognize them for what they are, and we don't have to feel shame and guilty around it. You ate the donuts. It's okay. It's not even a mistake.
[00:22:14] It's just something that you did. So bless it, forgive yourself, thank yourself for enjoying the moment, and move on. Like, we really had to work through these thoughts, but that's the self peace here. The peace of What are you going to learn from this? Part of loving yourself is recognizing those moments where you can learn from your actions that will help you to increase the love inside of yourself.
[00:22:42] So maybe the lesson is my body doesn't feel good when I eat the donuts. It's nurturing my need to have comfort, but it doesn't feel good in my body. Or maybe it's creating anxiety in, in me now because I feel like I'm not taking care of myself. So okay, just slow down and say like, well, what are you going to learn from that?
[00:23:03] Maybe don't eat the doughnuts. Maybe eat less doughnuts. Maybe find a substitute for the doughnuts. Everything is a learning opportunity, but you have to be open in your heart to accept that you did something that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you feel shame for your actions. But now learn from it. What is the lesson here?
[00:23:25] That's the gift of going inside and loving yourself is to say I made an error a mistake I did something that I'm not comfortable with but however you want to frame it But I can still love myself and I can learn from this because I'm not a perfect person and this Leads us into the conversation around gratitude cultivating gratitude is part of loving yourself.
[00:23:52] Having a daily gratitude practice is huge because there is always something to be thankful for. Even when things are difficult, even when things feel like there's no way out, there is always something to be grateful for. The sun, a friend who happened to message you, if you draw cards, maybe it's the card that made you feel good about yourself that day, or the book that you got to read, the birds that are singing.
[00:24:17] It doesn't have to be profound, but it can be something that brings you joy. And then you can practice that gratitude daily. And when you practice gratitude daily, you will feel better because your heart is where you are. And when you practice gratitude, you're coming back to your heart. And this is going to help you to cultivate self love.
[00:24:40] And do things that you love. When you do things that you love, you feel good. When you feel good, you're proud of yourself. You're happy with yourself. You're loving yourself. Doing some consistent practices will help you to foster that feeling of self love within yourself. So I'm going to pause here and I'm going to give you some questions for you to think about as you're building self love within yourself.
[00:25:05] And they might feel a little uncomfortable, they might feel a little bit tricky for you, but they're really good questions to come back to when you're learning how to move old you out of the way and bring in this new version of yourself. So maybe ask yourself these questions. How do I speak to myself?
[00:25:24] What boundaries am I setting to protect my well being? Am I taking time for self care and relaxation? What are the things that bring me joy? When you go inside of yourself and you ask yourself these big questions it makes you stop and think. Here's a big one for you. Do I need other people to make me feel good?
[00:25:47] Or can I feel good about myself for who I am? It's a big question. But when you reflect on these questions you're asking yourself and also considering what your learning opportunities are in the moment. How you want to feel about yourself and self love and what you are doing or you can start doing is a beautiful reflection.
[00:26:17] And I really encourage you to get into the questions and really start uncovering where it is that your limitations, your self imposed limitations are. Because really that's what they are. They're thoughts that you're telling yourself that are potentially holding you back. Every circumstance, every situation that you're in has a thought attached to it.
[00:26:39] And these thoughts are driven by your feelings or the feelings that they create. And so when you can see what you're feeling. And then backtrack and ask yourself, why is this? Why am I having that thought? Why is it making me feel like this and what am I going to do about it? Then you can use that idea even in terms of creating self-love habits.
[00:27:03] Maybe your new thought might be, I need to do things for myself. And that might create a feeling of, of drive of like, yes, I am committing to doing things for myself. Or it might create a feeling of a little bit of lack of self-worth. Like am I even worthy of doing things for myself? Is it okay for me to put myself first?
[00:27:25] And once you have that question of where you are, what is it that is creating limitations within you? Where are you right now? Then you can decide what you're going to do with it. And there's only two choices. You're either going to do something, or you're not going to. You're going to be in a state of inaction.
[00:27:44] Inaction is the act of not doing anything, whereas action is about taking control. And we all know that there are a lot of things that are taken out of your control when you have cancer, which can also impact your ability to love yourself. But there's a lot of things that you can control too. And you can start by controlling self love, by deciding that you're going to take some action here, and saying to yourself, I'm going to start doing things for myself, and I'm going to ask and reflect on the questions that come up when I do things for myself.
[00:28:20] All of this is the act of creating awareness in yourself. We just want awareness. Because when things stand out for you, when you can see and you can feel what's happening in your body, then you can work through that. And the inner work is really beautiful and important work. And the work that you're doing.
[00:28:42] can resonate out into your household or into your friendship groups. And I know my family has said to me that since I've been doing a lot of work in the last few years around self love and self care and getting rid of things that I've been holding on to that have been holding me back, they have seen a difference.
[00:28:58] And I can see a difference in myself. I'm not the same person that I was pre cancer. Cancer has actually given me permission to love myself and to put myself higher on the list. Close to the top of the list and sometimes even on the top of the list depending on the circumstances. So other people will actually start to notice when you care for yourself.
[00:29:22] Without any attachments of emotion, or guilt, or shame, or must do's, or have to's, or should do's attached to it. So let's take a moment here and go back to the beginning of the podcast. Of when I was talking about all of the external things that are around you about love and Valentine's Day. And let's acknowledge again that this may be difficult for you.
[00:29:46] In terms of, if you're going through the process, or in your, you're in a place of healing post cancer, you might be feeling disconnected from other people, from yourself, from the idea of Valentine's cards and chocolates and flowers. They all might feel superfluous to you, like, that stuff's not even important anymore.
[00:30:08] Or that the external world is telling you how you're supposed to do something or feel in a certain time or space. I know a lot of times I have clients say that things that felt important before, like buying chocolates for someone, just doesn't seem important anymore. It's less about the stuff and more about the time together and the creating memories.
[00:30:32] So just be aware of this as you're out and about and you're seeing all of the stuff. How does it feel when you see those things? What does it bring up for you? And just notice it and maybe even write it down. If you're into journaling, writing it down might really help you to sort through the thought process that you're having.
[00:30:48] When you write it out, Then, you can feel what you were feeling, and that is movement. When you write it out and put it on paper, you can see it and reflect on it, and that is movement. And you can just ask yourself, am I going to do something for Valentine's Day? Do I need to do something for Valentine's Day?
[00:31:11] It's okay to not want to, and it's okay to want to. I'm just offering that when you go inside of yourself, when you offer yourself self love, then you can make these decisions. Like, what are you going to do for yourself for Valentine's Day? And maybe just weave in an act of self love on the day that is designated as the love day.
[00:31:36] Do something for yourself. Or maybe do something for someone else. That is not selfish. That is selfless to do something for someone else, and it's not selfish to take care of yourself. There's a lot in there. There's a lot around these things, but this is the kind of stuff that comes up for people when they're living with cancer.
[00:31:54] How do I manage these things that I feel are bigger than me, or that I don't know what I'm feeling, but there's something going on? Holidays and events and things that used to be one way might feel different now, and that's okay. You get to give yourself permission to feel what you feel about a situation and not make it a problem, because it doesn't have to be a problem.
[00:32:17] Instead, you get to ask, what are you going to do with the feeling? Are you going to allow it to guide you towards loving yourself more and practicing self love? Just know that self love is a beautiful gift and it's a beautiful opportunity for you to learn more about yourself, for you to grow as a person, for you to extend that love beyond yourself in a way that feels good for you.
[00:32:42] And don't forget to put yourself at the top of the list because you deserve to be there.
[00:32:51] As we talk about self love and self care, I just want to share with you that to support you in your desire to love yourself more and to thrive in your life with cancer, and in creating this place inside of yourself, I have tools that are available to you that are part of this whole moving through cancer process, and one of them is the new monthly membership that I've designed for people who are looking for a self guided space that you can do on your own time.
[00:33:23] It's 37 a month. You can join anytime and you get immediate access to the program. And there's a link to look at that membership in the show notes. And you can also learn more about learning to thrive with cancer in my book, Living to Thrive, a holistic guide to living with cancer. It's available on Amazon, and I want to share with you that on March 6th, I'm hosting a free online book talk to share with you more about my story, why I needed to write this book, and some excerpts from the book.
[00:33:53] And you'll have a chance to ask some questions on the call if you would like to. And one lucky guest will receive a free autographed copy of Living to Thrive. Friends, if you have enjoyed this or other episodes, I would really appreciate it if you would leave a five star review wherever you're listening.
[00:34:11] This helps me to reach more people like you who are looking for support and guidance and a different way to live with cancer. Thanks for being here today and watch for the next episode that features a very special guest who shares her knowledge of massage and fascia and how Hands on healing can help to support your healing process.
[00:34:33] Thank you so much for being here today. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day. And may you live your life to your fullest, follow your heart, and thrive in
